‘ i found god in myself and i loved her’

she speaks to me now, a memory of rain and lemons.

she loves me like i never known love before and

i cry for the years i spent cursing her name.

she says

‘ love yourself darling cause nobody gonna love you the way you wanna be loved

the way you outta be loved

love yourself and love others the way they deserve to be loved

never love like a man

half-hearted

selfish

condescending

that aint love

men love by taking pieces of you

put you in a plastic bag

under the bed

stick you on the bottom of his shiny shoe

and if he really love you he gonna lay you on his lap

wrap his fist with sandpaper and file you down real good

love yourself darling

and demand to be loved the way you outta be loved’

 

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14/2 Are we done?

At midnight I walked outside to only be greeted by the moon.

I held a stone against my heart and faced the direction of my birth.

And with the moon as my light and my guide, I walked away.

Sasha

the wind against my cheek

couldn’t be softer than your

name on the tip of my tongue

as a soft sigh leaves the

comfort of my lips

Sasha.

That Night

Holding fingertips we walked in a fog of harsh yellow street lights along blacked out windows.

Holding fingertips we danced with autumn leaves, light on our toes, floating.

Holding fingertips you told me you’d never done this before, never been this bold.

Holding fingertips I told you my truth and you did not run.

 

 

I wanna fall

deep into the crevices of caves

explore

love you

right way it should be

right?

you love me?

if you want

like God loved his only son

to give birth

to me

and love

in love

with you.

16 May 2015 – Distance

Your farther lies beneath the hard soil, nothing but bones and wisps of hair. The dark coloured cheeks that never could quite widen enough for a smile no more. The hand he tightly gripped the belt that stroked your back until the air was saturated with the smell of copper now a distant past.

Your farther still sits in an armchair in the conner. The buttons on his shirt strain and groan with every twist. Tentatively you sat on the floor beside the empty sofa, carefully breathing as not to disturb the rats underneath the floor board. To this day you don’t look directly into those cold, unwavering eyes.

Your father looks after his 4 children and you stopped waiting by the phone many years ago. His deep soft voice not a memory you can quite forget. The way he would tell you he loved you, and in that moment your farther had 5 children. His existence forever etched on your face.